Canton Ratchet Madness 2024 Round 1: Tail Light Region

 

 

Canton Ratchet Madness 2024 has finally arrived. Over the next 3-4 weeks we will be deciding who is the most ratchet of the 64 ratchets in the coverup of John O’Keefe’s murder. Turtle riders will be voting in each of the 4 regions for which ratchets should advance in head to head matchups. Here is the 2024 printable bracket (just save/download the image).

We begin in the Tail Light Region. You have 24 hours to vote on which ratchet should advance to the second round.

 

1. Jennifer McCabe vs. 16. Kellie Lamb

1. Jennifer McCabe – Googled “hos long to die in cold” to make sure John O’Keefe was dead then started a support group for his mother

16. Kellie Lamb – Real estate agent/wannabe mean girl forever loyal to Jen McCabe who likes to assault people for filming in public

 

 

8. John Connolly vs. 9. Michael Lank

8. John Connolly – Overcooked microwave burrito who likes to call critics “random fucking citizens” and generally opposes all institutional change

9. Michael Lank – Corrupt townie cop and close friend of the Alberts who they call whenever they need to cover up a crime

 

 

 

4. Julie Albert vs. 13. True Crime and Some Wine Lady

4. Julie Albert – Raised her son to be all around douchebag while frequently skipping court dates to avoid creditors

13. True Crime and Some Wine Lady – Attention seeking Tik Tok lady who supported Karen Read but then flipped to other side and went full ratchet when TB wouldn’t go on her show

 

 

 

5. Lunchbox Lally vs 12. Michelle Gallery

5. Lunchbox Lally – Coached John O’Keefe’s killers on what to say in front of state and federal grand jury while spewing non-stop word salad in court

12. Michelle Gallery – Plus sized Jen McCabe groupie who showed off fupa at Turtleboy arraignment while yelling obscenities

 

 

 

3. Ken Mello vs. 14. Jill Harrison-Thomas

3. Ken Mello – Only attorney who agreed to prosecute Turtleboy because he can’t find any work and is hilariously incompetent and frequently gets tongue lashed by judges

14. Jill Harrison-Thomas – McAlbert groupie who once told a 17 year old girl to “get the dick out of your mouth” for testifying truthfully about Colin Albert’s action the night John O’Keefe was killed

 

 

 

6. Sean McCabe vs. 11. Gretchen Voss

6. Sean McCabe – Raging alcoholic McCabe brother who almost got Judge Cannone recused by threatening to bury Turtleboy’s corpse in backyard of Cape Cod summer home

11. Gretchen Voss – Boston Magazine reporter who flipped to McAlbert side after being courted by David Traub with burgers

 

 

 

7. Roast Beef Ronnie vs. 10. Karen Kelly

7. Roast Beef Ronnie – Gets paid by Chris Albert to give middle finger to peaceful protesters while yelling “Fuck you Turtleboy, you’re a bully with a camera”

10. Karen Kelly – Karen Read turned McAlbert supporter who spoke out against out of town influence in Canton Police audit despite not living in town due to multiple evictions

 

 

 

2. Brian Albert vs. 15. Paul McAuliffe 

2. Brian Albert – Never came out of house after being alerted about a dead Boston cop on his front lawn

15. Paul McAuliffe – Pretends to be nice guy looking for compromise but really just likes to stare down and intimidate women